Finely Tuned: Parenting Highly Sensitive Children and Teens

Raising a child in this world of high stimulation is a new art and science. What does a parent know about parenting? Conventional wisdom tells us that we parent either as we were parented, or in reaction to our own experiences. Then we read parenting advice books, many of which are excellent … and very few of which address the challenges of raising children with finely tuned nervous systems.

More than 20 percent of children are born with the trait of high sensitivity, making them “finely tuned.” We can recognize them by their deep thinking about the world, and by the way that they notice every little thing—from the scratchy tags in their shirts when they’re toddlers to an obscure political issue when they’re teens. These remarkable youngsters have especially strong emotional reactions to what they observe and a heightened empathy toward others.

Elaine Aron, PhD, internationally known psychologist and author of The Highly Sensitive Child, identifies and researches high sensitivity. She says that people with this common trait demonstrate what she calls “emotional leadership.” Whether they are the first child in the preschool classroom to begin screaming at the top of their lungs when free play gets too loud or unruly, or the fifth grader who ends the school day feeling unaccountably anxious and refuse to go anywhere but straight home, these children clearly show us how their environment is impacting them—and how it will eventually affect all of the children in their community. These emotional leaders with finely tuned nervous systems experience, before everyone else does, the impact of an over-stimulating world—they feel it deeply and think about it carefully.

While sensitive kids might be either introverts or extroverts, they are all sponges. They notice and process everything—bullies, gun violence, war, dying glaciers and oceans, entire species facing extinction, refugees living desperate lives. The news of the world, and even the news in their schools, can be intensely overwhelming for them. We might find our sensitive youth feeling profound sorrow about the pain felt by strangers, or raging uncontrollably about injustice. Sensitive children and tweens are likely to understand many more details of the news reports than parents realize, and can develop anxiety as a result. Sensitive teens might seek more extensive knowledge of the issues, listening to endless podcasts and obsessing about a particular issue.

Every parent has or knows at least one of these children. These are the young people who are getting on buses and planes to go to Washington DC and make their voices heard. They need our support. If they get it, they can and will change the world.

Find out more about upcoming programs with Alane Freund at Kripalu.