Why Self-Compassion Matters, and How It Can Change Your Life
by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer
We have all built barriers to love. We’ve had to in order to protect ourselves from the harsh realities of living a human life. But there is another way to feel safe and protected. When we are mindful of our struggles, and respond to ourselves with compassion, kindness, and support in times of difficulty, things start to change. We can learn to embrace ourselves and our lives, despite inner and outer imperfections, and provide ourselves with the strength needed to thrive. An explosion of research into self-compassion over the last decade has shown its benefits for well-being. Individuals who are more self-compassionate tend to have greater happiness, life satisfaction, and motivation, better relationships and physical health, and less anxiety and depression. They also have the resilience needed to cope with stressful life events such as divorce, health crises, academic failure, even combat trauma.
When we struggle, however—when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate—it’s hard to be mindful toward what’s occurring; we’d rather scream and beat our fists on the table. Not only do we not like what’s happening, we think there is something wrong with us because it’s happening. In the blink of an eye we can go from “I don’t like this feeling” to “I don’t want this feeling” to “I shouldn’t have this feeling” to “Something is wrong with me for having this feeling” to “I’m bad!” That’s where self-compassion comes in. Sometimes we need to comfort and soothe ourselves for how hard it is to be a human being before we can relate to our lives in a more mindful way.
Self-compassion emerges from the heart of mindfulness when we meet suffering in our lives. Mindfulness invites us to open to suffering with loving, spacious awareness. Self-compassion adds, “be kind to yourself in the midst of suffering.” Together, mindfulness and self-compassion form a state of warmhearted, connected presence during difficult moments in our lives.
Tools for Practicing Self-Compassion
Find out about Christopher Germer's Mindful Self-Compassion training at Kripalu.
Excerpt reprinted with permission from The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook by Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer (Guilford Press, 2018).