Choosing Connection Over Conflict

How can partner yoga practice be used to shift us out of conflict, and back into sweetness with those we love—the space where we would all rather hang out?

Most of us have experienced, when we’re triggered into anger, how we get caught in our thoughts and our story about how our anger is justified, and how the other person is clearly WRONG. 

Depending on the situation, and our conditioning, these situations often catch us by surprise and can lead to a variety of unskillful responses. Responses that range from angry, hurtful words, to punishing withdrawal, to traumatic fight/flight/freeze reactions.

What if instead, we were able to connect with the part of us that wants to return to love rather than be right? The part of us that is at least willing to see the situation differently? The part that would rather forgive than hold onto painful resentments?

This of course, is a very big ask of ourselves. The most challenging part of any real shift in perception is the willingness to not only see the situation differently, but also to see our part in it. This willingness takes humility and a commitment to the deeper truth, rather than to our current version of the story.

Justifiable anger can be very seductive, giving us a false sense of power and control. We have all spoken and acted from this place, and felt the damaging effect this can have on our closest relationships. Anger in itself is not the problem. Anger, like all emotions, can be a great ally for insight once the reactive part of us calms down. 

In the deeper, quieter part of us, we know we would rather be at peace, connected to our own and our partner’s essential goodness, than hold on to our anger and resentment. 

The next time conflict arises and you find yourself willing to try something new, experiment with this exercise.

1. As soon as you notice conflict arising, ask your partner if they would be willing to sit quietly with you, without words, to see if it is possible to perceive the conflict/situation differently. 
2. If they agree, begin by sitting back to back, finding a stable alignment and solid sacrum connection. If, for whatever reason, Sacrum Connection is not accessible to you or your partner, find a way to sit together in which you are physically touching. Back to back is ideal as it softens our projections and connects us to our essence through spine-to-spine contact. (Download a free video for details, or read the instructions at the end of this article.)
3. Once you are connected in a balanced and comfortable position, silently acknowledge yourself and your partner for your willingness to choose love, knowing that you have just accomplished the most challenging part of the practice.
4. As you sit quietly, feel your own and your partner’s presence. Notice how you can calm disturbing thoughts and feelings simply through relaxing the physical sensations of tension in your body. 
5. Notice how, when we sit together in this way, supported by and connected to our partner, we relax. Our defensive stance softens as we relate from this deeper, more soulful aspect of our being. 
6. Continue sitting together in this way until one or both partners experiences an obvious shift in your feeling state. Ask your partner if they feel complete or would like to stay connected longer. Slowly turn and sit facing your partner in silence and openness.
7. Sense the shift in energy between you, and agree to come back together at a later time to share thoughts and feelings related to how you were able to see the situation differently.

How to Establish a Back-to-Back Sacrum Connection

This practice is best understood as a powerful connection between sacrum bones, rather than a back-to-back sitting pose. It is important that we do not lean on our partner but instead feel the support that comes from alignment and connection.

1. Begin in a back-to-back seated position with your partner. Lean forward and shift your pelvis back until you contact your partner’s sit bones. Slowly sit upright and align your torso on top of your pelvic bones.
2. Draw your wrists into the hip sockets and squeeze the shoulder blades and elbows together, lifting the sternum. Maintain this lift through your spine as you relax your hands back onto your knees.
3. Bring your breath and awareness to the connection between sacred bones. Unhinge the jaw and relax the body. If you notice your partner leaning back, gently tap your partner’s hips with your fingers to remind them to keep sternum lifted.
4. Continue to relax and receive the support of both your partner and the ground. Notice how your partner’s presence brings you more deeply into your own being.

Experience Partner Yoga with Elysabeth Williamson at Kripalu.